Tips for labour partners

If you aren't nervous about labour and delivery, you're either in denial or not paying attention. Remember that as difficult as it may be to watch your partner or loved one in pain, most fathers find the birth of their child to be one of life's most powerful and satisfying moments. Of course, it's better if know that you've been a help rather than a hindrance. To help you be the kind of birth partner a labouring woman dreams of, William Wade, a father of one, asked people who've been there to share their feelings.

Ask questions

Doctors, midwives, and nurses don't always explain what they're doing, or whether it's mandatory. When the midwife wanted to put up a drip for Andrew's wife - just in case she needed it later - Andrew, a teacher, firmly turned the offer down. "It helped that I knew what I could ask for," he said, "and what we could refuse."

And make sure to ask for what you want: Since Andrew and his wife had looked around the hospital before the birth, they knew that some of the rooms had good views and they requested one when they registered. "I'll never forget seeing the sunrise over the city the morning my daughter was born," he recalls.

Bring a few things for yourself

The mom-to-be is the centre of attention, but you'll probably be spending the night at the hospital too, so don't forget to pack some things for yourself. A clean T-shirt and comfortable shoes are essential. "We must have walked about three miles through the hospital corridors during her contractions," says Andrew. "The next day, neither of us could figure out why our feet were sore." Though women in labour necessarily lose their modesty, partners don't. So consider bringing your swim suit, if your hospital offers a birth pool. Finally, remember to bring something to eat and drink.

Know what to expect

Many people say they never used the breathing techniques they learned at prenatal classes, but they're very glad they learned what labour and birth entails, from start to finish. Labour is not the right time to be flipping through a pregnancy and birth manual, so bone up on your reading beforehand. And go to an prenatal class with an open mind -- you'll get solid, basic information, as well as a sense of how other labour partners are planning to get through the event.

Be flexible

Labour strategies that work for some women, may not work for your partner. A birth partner's job is to discern what works, and be prepared to drop what doesn't. "Our prenatal teacher stressed the need to keep an open mind and make decisions as we went along," said Jim Ware. "It proved to be very useful in what turned out to be a long labour." Well before your baby's due date, you and your partner should take time to discuss her expectations and options; later you can take the initiative while keeping her wishes in mind.

Find a compelling distraction

Giving birth is a long, hard job. At some point during the hours of labour, you and your partner will discover something -- perhaps a breathing pattern, a spot on the ceiling, a stuffed animal from home -- that she can focus on during the contractions. Your job is to help your partner find this distraction, and then bring her back to it whenever she starts to think she won't make it.

"I ended up rubbing my wife's foot all the way through labour," says Chris Gathard. "She told me to squeeze her foot until it hurt, so she could focus on that pain instead." Other techniques focus on teaching women how to work with the pain by using relaxation techniques.

Be a one-person support team

Though there will be lots of experienced people around you to whom you can look for help, you will be your partner's most important support. How can you keep her comfortable? By doing whatever she needs, from running to the cafeteria for something sweet to getting her another drink or talking things through with your doctor, nurse, or midwife. Chris tried to pay attention to his wife's emotional and physical state. "I was her primary advocate and labour partner," he says.

Know your capabilities

There's a lot going on in the birth room. Be aware of what you are willing to do during the process, and what you want to leave to the professionals. Mathew Reece remembers the midwife asking if he wanted to catch his son when he came out. "I said no, and I'm glad I did," he says. "But I did cut the umbilical cord. That was easy."

Be prepared to take charge of the situation

Only you and your partner know what you both want, but she may not be in the best condition to make hard decisions. Be ready to step in with some decisive action if the situation calls for it.

David Sawyer, a lawyer, remembers that the doctor was going to break the waters during an internal examination. "Jenny was having a contraction and in pain and the doctor said something like, 'I'll just break the waters while I'm here shall I?'. I stepped in and said, 'Lets just wait until we can discuss it with Jenny.' The doctor was a bit suprised, but I knew Jenny didn't want anything done without the chance to discuss it and she wasn't able to talk just then."

Be ready to wait

Unlike what you see in films and on television, most women labour for hours before they even go to the hospital. Indeed, many couples find it more comfortable to spend the initial stages of labour at home. Besides, many maternity units prefer you to come when your contractions are regular and close together.

"We ended up watching a video together at home during early labour," says David. "Not only was it a good way to relax, but it was really very bonding."

Being there

A woman's birth partner is a vital support at a crucial time in her life. Although these days it is often a father who attends, many maternity units welcome whoever the mother has chosen as partner. Many women ask their mother to help them, and some choose close friends.

For all partners, this is one of those events when just showing up is the most important thing of all. Even if you want -- or have -- to leave most of the hands-on stuff to the pros, it will matter that you're there. Some expectant dads say they're worried they won't be up to the task, but most say it's worth being there. "I wanted to be very involved, and I felt honoured to be there," says new father Chris.